Archive for February, 2004

I’m having a nervous breakdown.

Saturday, February 28th, 2004

I don’t know how else to explain it…

For three days, all I’ve wanted to do more or less is cry…
Like DUDE, I was in the Baja Fresh, trying to pick up dinner, and my eyes were welling up and I was getting all puffy, and biting my lip and it was TOTALLY obvious, but there was NOTHING I COULD DO!

While I’m not totally satisfied with how things are going, I certainly don’t have anything to CRY about.

I’m crying at work, I’m crying on the phone, I’m crying in the car, I’m crying on benches in the parking lot, I’m CRYING IN THE BAJA FRESH FOR CHRIST’S SAKE!!!

Granted, I DO kinda know the source of it all, but I STILL can’t explain it. I’ve soo lost and confused this week…

On the flip side, good things that have happened this week:

  • finding out I overpayed my rent for the last 8 months and have over a $200 CREDIT!!! WOO!! (which also means I now pay $30 LESS for rent every month!!)
  • My Valentine Daisies are still ALIVE!
  • The O.C.!! (sooo gooood)
  • CoverGirl Wetslicks! high beam gloss withOUT the stickiness! for REAL! (I have a serious lipgloss addiction. i will seek help.)

have a good weekend!

Gold.

Wednesday, February 25th, 2004

It was all a lie.

Anyone who knows me know it couldn’t possibly be true. Not *really*.

I’ve never felt so f’ed up in my whole life. Hmm. That’s not true either. I guess it’s safer to say I’ve never been this confused before. Cause I’ve definately been f’ed up and WORSE, just in different ways.

With each relationship I have, I become more and more jacked up. Putting up walls and tearing them down only to rebuild them again and again and again and again. The foundation starts to wear thin after a while.

I started this blog as a writing exercise, but it’s totally digressed into a diary for all the world to see. oh well. I’m pretty sure no one’s really reading it anyway…so no harm done.

I have this sudden feeeling that the choices I make RIGHT now are going to affect everything FOREVER. That I have EVERYTHING to lose. That there is a right choice and a wrong choice and a cloud of regret waiting for me on the other side.

I don’t want to be 27. I want to be 17 and back in college, where loves come and go and consequence is a vague afterthought. Now all I hear are clocks ticking in my ear. I know it’s an illusion I’ve created for myself, but I’m still trapped by it and I don’t know what to do…

There is ALWAYS going to be someone else. someone new. something potentially better. or not. Eventually, you just gotta pick one.

Nature’s first green is gold,
Her hardest Hue to hold.
Her early leaf’s a flower,
But only so an hour.
So leaf subsides to leaf,
So Eden sank to grief,
So dawn goes down today,
Nothing gold can stay.

– Robert Frost

post-valentine

Tuesday, February 17th, 2004

Underwater.
Held Down.
Emotions as an anchor.
I just need to breathe.

WOO! Poetry with vibegrrl! BAD poetry even.

I guess I’ve just figured it out. I want to breathe.I want frivilous and fun and flirty. I want all the attention without the WEIGHT of it all.

It blows my mind, really. Could it be, that for honestly the FIRST time EVER in my WHOLE life, I DO NOT want a boyfriend?

It’s not that I want boy a over boy b, or b over c… apparently, I jsut don’t want ANY BOY at ALL.

seriously.

You’d believe me if you saw how I resisted what must be the best. valentine. ever. (not to mention a dozen classically beautiful and classically sweet roses)

I have ISSUES.

Tuesday, February 10th, 2004

Welcome to the land of the thoroughly contradictory and emotionaly retarded! I wouldn’t recommend STAYING, as it will surely lead to a proper mind-f#$k…

What IS a girl to do when three perfectly good boys are either in love or at least in substantial like with her and she can’t get herself to invest in ANY ONE OF THEM!?!? Granted, with one she shares much heartbreak, and another is known to break the hearts of many, but that still leaves ONE good one, no? And yet, she still doesn’t want him. er….wait! YES SHE DOES! no…actualy, scrap that, she DID, now she doesn’t. or…well…but he kinda looks cute in that blue shirt he was wearing…and he IS really nice and …

ugh.

emotionally retarded.

Not to mention that whenever I listen to THIS, I start thinking fuzzy thoughts about the one I share heartbreak with and that the one that causes much heartbreak makes a good couch-and-blanket-snuggle buddy.

Three boys and no Valentine.

:(

ps- I just re-read my LAST entry and realized all THREE of them are in it. {{{sigh}}} neverendingDRAMA!