It occurred to me today that, with all of the dating experience I’m racking up, I might really have something important to share with my readers. To other women, I can merely provide a hearty laugh and perhaps the comfort of knowing they are not the only ones sufferring. To my *male* readers however, I can possibly offer some helpful advice.
Thus, guys, I present you with…
HOW NOT TO IMPRESS A GIRL ON YOUR FIRST OFFICIAL DATE:**
- Show up late. This alone will not do TOO much harm if you call first. However, being thirty minutes late and NOT calling will definately start you off on the wrong foot.
- Show up WITHOUT ANY CASH*. Seriously, we don’t expect you to pay for everything or necessarily anything, but you ought to have some money with you.
- Get rejected by the ATM*. Really? Like, you have no money in there? Not even like, $20???
- Say things along the lines of, “I’m not going to war, and I don’t know anyone going to war, so I don’t know about that, but War is good for small business, and that’s good for me and my pocket.” Regardless of what you might have meant by that, it will suggest to your date that you think it’s OK for innocent people to die so YOU can have a nicer car. She most likely won’t like this. She might start yelling at you in the street, screaming, “YEAH, WELL I CARE ABOUT CIVIL RIGHTS!”
- Tell your date you don’t care for freak-dancing, and then try to freak her. Especially if she agreed with you on the first part, it’s just not a good move, dude. Just sayin’. DIG that hole deeper…
- Randomly disappear and reappear. Magic is cool n’ all, but if your date is wondering WHERE IN THE HELL YOU WENT, and then you come back, but stand 10 feet away from her so she doesn’t SEE you and is STILL wondering where in the hell you went, she’s going to start to get annoyed. Repeat this behavior more than once in a night and you’re losing major points.
- Drink enough to force your date to drive your car.* You’ll get bonus points for admitting you can’t drive, but uh…weren’t you trying to impress this girl? Nice work, drunkass!
- Drink while taking a controlled Narcotic. In fact, you know what will impress her LESS? Making up a bullshit reason why you’re even on the stuff in the first place! She won’t really believe that stress causes gum soreness, but even if it is true, she definately won’t believe they prescribed VICODIN to ease your ‘pain’.
- Attempt to use a maxed-out credit card.* DECLINED?!? FOR REAL!? Given the cash thing, and the ATM thing, you’re like, seriously broke, aren’t you?
- Be a Bed Hog. Ok, so you’re too drunk to drive home, and your date has agreed to let you crash on the condition that you understand that sleep is your only option. STAY ON YOUR SIDE OF THE BED. If you cause her to hang off the edge for most of the night while simultaneously crushing her with random appendages, she’s going to be PISSED. Any merits you achieved by adhereing to the groundrules will go out the window. Most likely, you’ll keep her up all night and she’ll be destroyed for most of the next day. NOT GOOD, my man.
*If you happend to previously ramble on about how you like guys who are GUYS and girls who are GIRLS, the irony will not be lost on your date.
Keep in mind that these are just starting points. Common sense should lead you to come up with more of your own to add. Also, while any of the above behaviors will result in negative brownie points when applied seperately, it should be obvious that usage of all of the above combined will most likely ensure the pointlessness of a second date.
**If you’re reading this list and you think I’m talking about you, I’m not. It was some other guy. No one else thinks it was you either. Relaaax.