It all started TUESDAY, when Joanne’s jack-ass prick of loser boyfriend dumped her ass all the way from Canada. Fucktard. Anyway, we decided that she needed to get OUT.
Coincidentally, that day, a hot, Sleazy Italian Exterminator* had hit on her at her apartment complex and told her to swing by Dave & Buster’s this weekend. Apparently, he works there, and wanted a piece, so he said if she came by, he’d hook her up (I BET HE WOULD!)
We decided that the best way to get over a jack-ass prick of a loser boyfriend is to hook up with a Sleazy Italian Exterminator.
Makes sense, right?
Add in Gillian (who got stood up the night before), and you’ve got three frustrated girls out on the town on a Saturday night.
At Dave & Buster’s.
As for Mr. Sleazy Italian Exterminator? Nowhere to be found. However, Joanne forgot all about him when she discovered the wonder that IS the D&B Midway. I don’t think I’ve ever seen anyone get so excited about those little prize tickets!!!
Unfortunately, D&B closes at 1am.
What the hell do three cute now-single girls do when trapped in suburbia at 1 o’clock in the morning?
YOU GUESSED IT!!
We loiter in the parking lot of 7-11 and drink slurpees.
You’re so impressed with how cool I am right now, aren’t you?
This is around the time when, for whatever reason, Joanne busts out with, “So, where ARE all the strip clubs around here, anyway?,” which got Gillian remniscent of all the nights she spent club-hopping with cute gay boys and she starts naming a few places she’d been to which then got ME remembering this one where my friend’s ex-boyfriend used to strip.**
A gay strip club where the boys don’t wear much of anything at all.
Really? They’re naked.***
All Joanne had to hear was NAKED and we were off, at now 2am, on a quest to find this place. (I say ‘quest’ cause liiiike, not only did we NOT know how to get there, but getting there involved driving through neighborhoods where people generally disappear and are found three days later floating face down in the river.)
NOT ONLY did we FIND IT (an hour later), but, it was THE most awesomely skanky dive EVER! Tinsel curtains, gay porn playing on at least 15 tv screens (with titles like BLACK & WHITE WORKOUT), a glassed-in stripper shower (wet boys towelling off IS kinda hot), a unisex bathroom (FUN!), three strippers (including one named MOCHA who payed SPECIAL attention to Joanne) and a bar LOADED with poles for boys to dance on!!!
I had more sweaty ass and flaccid penis shaken in front of me than I will ever need for the rest of my life. (I may have seen more guy on guy on guy action than I wanted to as well…)
Now it’s 3am, the strip club has kicked us out and we’re still three girls looking for amusement.
Flashback to earlier in the night: Joanne is telling me about this site. I tell her I’ve seen it before on Dooce, and that she knows that guy and that back-in-the-day, she thought he’d get snatched up and married RIGHT QUICK because , “Mormon meat like that doesn’t last very long among ravenous, flesh-eating coeds who will tell you on the first date that God himself has revealed that YOU ARE THE ONE, but please, you can kiss me with tongue and rub up against me, just don’t ask me to assume any horizontal positions. That would be wrong.” (actually I think I paraphrased and said, “Because he is a Mormon girl’s wet dream,” but same difference…)
This is when I realize that Joanne has never heard of Mormons!!!! AND AND AND! She’s never SEEN the ever-creepy, awe-inspiring Mormon Temple of DC!!!!
Thus is born the NEW QUEST! THE QUEST TO FIND THE MORMON TEMPLE!
HAVE YOU SEEN THAT THING?!? It’s like something outta Flash Gordon!!
3:45am Saturday night: Gillian, Joanne and I are driving in crazy circles with the top down, along windy, creepy-ass roads trying to break into the grounds of the Mormon temple.
We must have driven around for at LEAST half an hour circling the thing — which, by the way, is SHROUDED in a dense, SCARY-looking forrest of really tall, looming trees — with only the temple’s ominous blue glow to guide us.
Gillian starts making up stories about how maybe only the church members know how to get there, and how the forrest magically opens up to let them in.
Turns out really that there’s just a gate.
A gate that was OPEN.
Since we see a guard at the gate, Gillian says, “Oh well. We should come back at Christmas. I hear there’s a display.”
I say, “Huh. Well that was fun. Turns out you can’t see it any better from here than the beltway”
JOANNE says, “Well, DRIVE THROUGH THE GATE! We didn’t go through all that just to drive home, did we?”
So, I turned around, sped up, and crashed past the gate of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.
AMAZING. If you look on their site, I think the entire building is sheathed in MARBLE. It is one of the craziest buildings I have ever seen and HUGE!!! And Pointy! Creepy as ALL HELL!!! It’s like a GIANT FORTRESS! WITH PRETTY STAINED GLASS!.
Everytime I slowed down to get a better look, Gillian would freak out! She totally thought the Mormons were gonna git us!! Joanne was all like, “But look! There’s Jesus!, ” to which Gil cried, “I’m a JEW!” HA!
I’m pretty sure they’ve got my license plate # though, so if I suddenly disappear for 16 days and then reappear all manic and professing my love for Tom Cruise… oh wait, wrong cul…I mean, religion.
So now it’s about 4am and for whatever reason, we’re STILL not ready to go home, being all hopped up on our pseudo b&e experience.
three bored girls.
I KNOW! LET’S GO VISIT THE GIANT FIELD WITH THE RADIO TOWER!!! (becauuuuse why? Yeah, I don’t know. It was Gil’s idea. She said there would be deer.)
For the record, radio towers don’t look that cool close up. HOWEVER, we did have a racoon try to stare us down in the parking lot!! AND! There was an adorable little family of deer grazing in the field! Joanne was pressed to get closer, but NATURALLY scared the little fuckers away. She was all pissed, babbling something about how the lions in AFRICA didn’t run away, which OF COURSE made me go, “WHAT IN THE HELL WERE YOU DOING WALKING UP TO LIONS IN AFRICA!?!!?!?!”
Wanna know what she said?
“Well, they’d already eaten!”
I have much to report on the Knitting/FO front, but I think I’ll save that for later.
Happy Monday, y’all.
* her words, not mine.
** Do you really think a straight boy would be a NUDE stripper at a gay strip bar, surrounded by endless gay porn? Me either.
*** Um, well, naked except for socks. YOU GOTTA PUT THE TIP SOMEWHERE, YO!