FIRST, SATURDAY, I was going to post this picture and ask my bug-savvy friends to help me indentify what in the HELL this little thing is because they appear to have invaded my home:
They’ve been hanging around the windowsill in the kitchen, routinely jumping to their deaths for a swim in Hayley’s water bowl. It wasn’t until I found them IN THE DINING ROOM AS WELL, on a windowsill that Hayley naps on frequently, AND when I noticed that they JUMP, that I started to think they were fleas. (They are not fleas.)
Needless to say, I spent that entire night itchy as all get out and having insane nightmares about insects.
THEN, SUNDAY, I was going to tell you the harrowing tale of a girl who was sitting at home with her cat, knitting and minding her own goddamn business when THIS thing decided to park itself next to her on the couch:
My heart stopped. I jumped at LEAST two feet in the air and screamed at the cat.
I don’t know what I thought she could do. Likely nothing. I think I just needed SOMEONE with which to share my horror.
I trapped it under a glass, put five heavy books over it and hid, locked in my bedroom with Hayls. HORRIFED.
Eventually, realizing that it would never suffocate under there and that it would either dig its way out OR Hayley would free it in an attempt to kill me, I bravely scooped it up (with a paper towel), walked it BLOCKS away from my apartment, and SQUISHED the ever-lovin’ SHIT out of it ’till it was no more than a crusty smear of bug guts on the pavement.
I called the apartment management office on MONDAY. I told them about the roach and the mysterious microscopic jumpers (which I now believe to be Springtails), and was assured that pest control would come out the next day and take care of it.
It’s aaalllll good.
So, TUESDAY. I’m having a good day. I booked a hotel in Paris today! WE’RE GOING TO PARIS! YAY! Right? Good day! It’s late, I just got off work, I’m practicing my French out loud to myself as I walk through the door. I might have EVEN been singing the French National Anthem.
“Allons en-fants de la patrieeee-uh, le jour de gloire eeeest arriv…”
NOW DO YOU SEE IT?
After I took this picture, Hayley came by and scared it down the garbage disposal, but not before I was able to smush *some* of it.
I’m SO not kidding when I say that after I smushed it, ALL THREE SEPARATE SEGMENTS OF IT LEFT ON THE PAPER TOWEL WERE STILL MOVING AND TWITCHING ON THEIR OWN.
Just as insurance, I turned on the disposal.
NOW, I’m going to cry.