I’m just trying to help…

It occurred to me today that, with all of the dating experience I’m racking up, I might really have something important to share with my readers. To other women, I can merely provide a hearty laugh and perhaps the comfort of knowing they are not the only ones sufferring. To my *male* readers however, I can possibly offer some helpful advice.

Thus, guys, I present you with…

HOW NOT TO IMPRESS A GIRL ON YOUR FIRST OFFICIAL DATE:**

  • Show up late. This alone will not do TOO much harm if you call first. However, being thirty minutes late and NOT calling will definately start you off on the wrong foot.
  • Show up WITHOUT ANY CASH*. Seriously, we don’t expect you to pay for everything or necessarily anything, but you ought to have some money with you.
  • Get rejected by the ATM*. Really? Like, you have no money in there? Not even like, $20???
  • Say things along the lines of, “I’m not going to war, and I don’t know anyone going to war, so I don’t know about that, but War is good for small business, and that’s good for me and my pocket.” Regardless of what you might have meant by that, it will suggest to your date that you think it’s OK for innocent people to die so YOU can have a nicer car. She most likely won’t like this. She might start yelling at you in the street, screaming, “YEAH, WELL I CARE ABOUT CIVIL RIGHTS!”
  • Tell your date you don’t care for freak-dancing, and then try to freak her. Especially if she agreed with you on the first part, it’s just not a good move, dude. Just sayin’. DIG that hole deeper…
  • Randomly disappear and reappear. Magic is cool n’ all, but if your date is wondering WHERE IN THE HELL YOU WENT, and then you come back, but stand 10 feet away from her so she doesn’t SEE you and is STILL wondering where in the hell you went, she’s going to start to get annoyed. Repeat this behavior more than once in a night and you’re losing major points.
  • Drink enough to force your date to drive your car.* You’ll get bonus points for admitting you can’t drive, but uh…weren’t you trying to impress this girl? Nice work, drunkass!
  • Drink while taking a controlled Narcotic. In fact, you know what will impress her LESS? Making up a bullshit reason why you’re even on the stuff in the first place! She won’t really believe that stress causes gum soreness, but even if it is true, she definately won’t believe they prescribed VICODIN to ease your ‘pain’.
  • Attempt to use a maxed-out credit card.* DECLINED?!? FOR REAL!? Given the cash thing, and the ATM thing, you’re like, seriously broke, aren’t you?
  • Be a Bed Hog. Ok, so you’re too drunk to drive home, and your date has agreed to let you crash on the condition that you understand that sleep is your only option. STAY ON YOUR SIDE OF THE BED. If you cause her to hang off the edge for most of the night while simultaneously crushing her with random appendages, she’s going to be PISSED. Any merits you achieved by adhereing to the groundrules will go out the window. Most likely, you’ll keep her up all night and she’ll be destroyed for most of the next day. NOT GOOD, my man.

*If you happend to previously ramble on about how you like guys who are GUYS and girls who are GIRLS, the irony will not be lost on your date.

Keep in mind that these are just starting points. Common sense should lead you to come up with more of your own to add. Also, while any of the above behaviors will result in negative brownie points when applied seperately, it should be obvious that usage of all of the above combined will most likely ensure the pointlessness of a second date.

**If you’re reading this list and you think I’m talking about you, I’m not. It was some other guy. No one else thinks it was you either. Relaaax.

20 Responses to “I’m just trying to help…”

  1. froggy Says:

    lol, oh my!

  2. Rossana Says:

    Solid list, my friend. It should be a rite of passage into manhood for every male human to be tested on this material!!! =p

  3. Erika Says:

    Goodness! Please tell me this didn’t ALL happen on the same single date!

  4. Shaz Says:

    I sure hope not that it happened all on one date! Yikes. Thorough list Sis!

  5. Vicki Says:

    I’m so sorry! You’re a better girl than I am. I definitely wouldn’t have let him sleep in my bed. My couch, maybe. But even that would take some quick talking. lol

  6. mat Says:

    Poor Lara!

  7. Carol Says:

    Thank you for making me very happy that I don’t have to deal with that dating thing.

  8. Christina Says:

    OMG! Between the date and the hair recently you haven’t been having much luck have you?

  9. Anne Marie Says:

    Vibegirl, WRITE A BOOK! You gave me such a laugh today. I am going to print out your list and put in on my front door!

  10. Jennifer H. Says:

    Fabulous list! :)

  11. Your brother. Says:

    Are you Shitting me? You let him in your apartment? You let him sleep in your bed? The sot was drunk and on Vicoden, he would have been just as comfortable in the garbage bin! Even if he wasn’t , who cares ?

    Ladies… the lesson here is… walk away! Letting him crash IS NOT AN OPTION… I don’t care how nice you are or how sorry you feel for him. At best…drop his dumb ass home, take his car and go home!

    My friend told me a story recently about daughters and dads. He said… ‘the way you treat your daughter is how she will expect the men in her life to treat her.’

    I have been the ‘man in your life’ since you were 13. Your father never treated you that poorly and neither have I. You should EXPECT more and tollerate no less.

    That date could have turned out much worse for you.

  12. Stacey Says:

    Yes, like some of the other people have already said, I HOPE this wasn’t all on one date. That would be horrible…

  13. heather Says:

    oh man. I have had dates like that. bless your heart…you are a saint for letting him stay. I hope you never have to do that again!

    yup, I am in Maryland…folk art is the best!! Are you local to me? I am thinking knit nite if yes

  14. Shelsea Corneliabell Says:

    Wow. I had one of those once. But I stayed strong and despite all the whining and moaning, I sent him on his way. Seems he was sober enough to drive to my house (or so he insisted downtown) but was WAY too drunk to drive on once he got there… uh. And he would promise not to “try anything.” double-uh. As in: Nuh-uh. Or as they say in Texas, no fucking WAY!

    You aren’t going to even return his calls after this, are you? Promise you aren’t!

    Instead, call me! (Though, it is my turn, so I will call you) I am in town for one week only (like Cher or Rent) so let’s try to find a bit of time to do something… I really wanna see the GGSE up close and personal.

  15. froggy Says:

    ok now i was hoping that was some type of joke. if not, that is one monster list.

  16. Silvia Says:

    Oh-My-God!

    Please tell me you made it up…please…

  17. frecklegirl Says:

    Oh gosh, too bad you actually had to experience those things in order to get this good blogging material!

    Looks like you got in trouble with the brother there! That is the problem when you let them know about your blog! :)

  18. Joanne Says:

    OMG! Luh-hoo-Zuh-Er! L-O-S-E-R! L-L-L-oser! Sorry, how many different ways can I spell out the word “loser?”

    Man, he makes the cheap bastard I once dated (who wouldn’t spring for a cab, and insisted we walk to the theatre, which resulted in my getting horrible blisters) look like a goddamn Prince Charming!

    And what was the random disappearing about!? Dear God!

    I hope he gets herpes.

  19. Rachel Marie Says:

    Dear Lord…
    That is some scumbag.
    I love your blog!! and I’ve seen some of your posts on craftster. Excellent!
    Hit me up on aim sometime: knittydirtygirl

  20. cause Says:

    http://www.anzwers.net/hot/realgir/4595555611/ afternoondownstairswithdrawn