Gold.

It was all a lie.

Anyone who knows me know it couldn’t possibly be true. Not *really*.

I’ve never felt so f’ed up in my whole life. Hmm. That’s not true either. I guess it’s safer to say I’ve never been this confused before. Cause I’ve definately been f’ed up and WORSE, just in different ways.

With each relationship I have, I become more and more jacked up. Putting up walls and tearing them down only to rebuild them again and again and again and again. The foundation starts to wear thin after a while.

I started this blog as a writing exercise, but it’s totally digressed into a diary for all the world to see. oh well. I’m pretty sure no one’s really reading it anyway…so no harm done.

I have this sudden feeeling that the choices I make RIGHT now are going to affect everything FOREVER. That I have EVERYTHING to lose. That there is a right choice and a wrong choice and a cloud of regret waiting for me on the other side.

I don’t want to be 27. I want to be 17 and back in college, where loves come and go and consequence is a vague afterthought. Now all I hear are clocks ticking in my ear. I know it’s an illusion I’ve created for myself, but I’m still trapped by it and I don’t know what to do…

There is ALWAYS going to be someone else. someone new. something potentially better. or not. Eventually, you just gotta pick one.

Nature’s first green is gold,
Her hardest Hue to hold.
Her early leaf’s a flower,
But only so an hour.
So leaf subsides to leaf,
So Eden sank to grief,
So dawn goes down today,
Nothing gold can stay.

– Robert Frost

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